I want to share. This story was once a deep, deep wound. I don't share this story very much anymore, but at one time-- whether I liked it or not, it defined me, wrongly I believe, and not by my own choice of definition, really...but by others. Let me begin...
When I was in high school, I attended one of the best private schools available in Anchorage, Alaska. It wasn't a huge school, I think there were maybe 20 or so people in my senior class. I was very involved with church and school, and because the school was actually built onto the church...all of those activities were intermingled. I was a good kid, for the most part. I had a lot of immature Christian pride, but I could quote you chapter and verse, I knew right from wrong, I had a good head on my shoulders, I was a well respected senior girl. I played first trumpet in the pep band, I was a band nerd and loved it! I was a wrestling cheerleader, I competed in piano competitions, I had a very sweet and well respected best friend, and I had a good group of godly friends. It was a good life!
One Sunday in church, a young man caught my eye. I knew who he was, he was several years past high school graduation and use to volunteer coach for the Jr High wresting team at our school. He asked me out on a date, I accepted. Now of course, my parents approved or else I wouldn't have accepted, I did want their approval, I was not by any means a rebellious young lady. The relationship blossomed and things were really good for a while. He was very respectful, and I was captivated by him. I remember one time on a walk with him, his dog ran past and flicked mud on my nice shoes and he bent down and wiped it off, well...that was it, my heart was his!
Then things little by little started to change, and out on a date, he got a little carried away with me, I was extremely offended and told him to take me home, after all...I was NOT that type of girl. He did, he took me home and then dumped me the next day.
Two weeks later he was knocking on my door with flowers. Well, that meant he was truly sorry right? He wouldn't try it again, I was sure of it and once again my heart was sold. Well, it happened again. You'd think I would learn and just stay out of the entire ordeal and be done with it, but my heart was already invested. Again, he didn't get what he wanted and dumped me the next day. Two weeks later, he was back again with a gift, same song and dance. I fell for it again. Now, of course my parents hadn't a clue what all this back and forth was about, I would never tell them how far he was trying to push me, because they'd put an end to it for sure, and I was hoping he'd eventually just love me like I thought I loved him. This went on for more than 6 months...actually probably much longer. I eventually broke free from him and even dated a really great guy later on for a while hoping to end it all. But as soon as he saw that I was dating someone else he would do everything in his power to end it. There would be big bouquets at my door, phone calls, more flowers, he bombarded me with letters stating how much he loved and cared for me. Of course, now as a grown woman I can see how all of this is terribly, terribly wrong. But at the time it was flattering, and I loved his attention, I became addicted to the drama of the ups and downs of this extremely controlling and manipulative relationship.
He eventually won me back. Mainly because he captured my heart from the beginning. He continued to push me, and I finally gave into him. I really believed that if I just gave him what he wanted he would love me. So cliche...Satan knows exactly what thoughts to plant, there is nothing new under the sun. What an awful feeling of regret that immediately followed. Who had I turned into? He told me directly afterward that he did not love me and that he had no intentions of ever being with me or ever marrying me, and that if I was pregnant, that was my own problem. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I didn't want to believe it. My heart was shattered into a million pieces. It was a wound so deep that even as I type this 15 years later, I feel the ache of the scar it left.
I told my mom about it. She was very kind to me, no words of condemnation, she knew how broken I was. I was truly sorry. I felt hollow and empty. 3 months later (and he and I were not together during this time) my Principal who was also my Bible teacher (someone I still highly, highly respect) called me into his office. He said that he he knew me as a happy girl, constantly smiling, so he knew something recent in my life was horribly wrong. He asked me what was causing me to be so depressed and withdrawn? I was touched by his observation, but I didn't feel as though I could accept his help. Because going to a private school, you sign a contract of things you will not do just to be able to enter into that school. If any one of those sins were committed, then you were to be expelled. So I asked him to pray for me, but told him I could not share.
I told who I thought was a close friend in confidence hoping to relieve some guilt, and she told everyone else. I was a wrestling cheerleader, my brother a wrestler...things got out of hand at a wrestling tournament. My brother kicked a kid in the head in defending my honor, even though he knew nothing of what was going on with me. It knocked the kid completely out and ended up unconscious and bleeding out his ear. I felt that this was my fault too. The entire tournament stopped, an ambulance came to take him to the hospital. He turned out okay, but didn't know who he was for several hours. I knew for sure I couldn't conceal my guilt and sin any longer and we would be called into the Principal's office come Monday morning so the principal could deal with the guilty parties involved. I laid on my bed all weekend long, it felt like waiting for a death sentence. I knew now that everyone would know of my sin. I feared man. Because the church and the school were too interlinked, I wouldn't be able to escape. I'd seen others fall victim of cruel words and gossip for their mistakes, it terrified me to think that I was next.
Monday came. The principal had me in his office. He said there were some rumors going around that he needed to clear up. I could have lied. How could he prove it? But I respected him so much that I could not lie to him. I said to him..."Remember calling me into your office? Well, the rumors are true." then I told him what happened. I was uncontrollably sobbing, knowing that I was about to be expelled 2 months before graduation, I felt like I deserved it though, maybe after being punished I would be relieved of the guilt I carried. He asked me, "Sarah, do you think you are a bad person?" and this is exactly what I said, "Yes! Yes, I am horrible. Proverbs 32:10 says 'Who can find a virtuous woman for her price is far above rubies.'" and then he shared this, which has stayed with me to this very day "Sarah, the verse says virtuous...not virgin, your heart is good. Your heart is repentant, let God mold you, do not let Satan burden you and wrap you in bondage over guilt. Accept God's mercy. Rest in him." Then he said this was the hardest thing he ever had to do because of the situation, but that he had to expel me. They wrapped up some loose ends with my credits and classes and handed me my diploma. But I had to leave the school premises. They were so kind and gracious to do that for me, my heart always softens when I think of their kindness. Normally I would have had to go to summer school to finish, but they took care of things for me.
I was at the receiving end of gossip at church. I had a grown man who had 3 daughters of his own come up to me and ask me point blank if I had committed the sin of fornication. Feeling like I deserved that kind of treatment, I said yes. He then said, "That is too bad, you could have really done something with yourself, that is too bad." That was seared into my mind. I forgive him today, but I allowed and harbored wicked thoughts that wrapped me in tight bondage through a lot of even my married life. I basically wore a big red letter on my chest. But I also was on the receiving end of God's love through wonderful people. There are people I will never forget because of their kindness to me when I felt like I didn't deserve it. Sadly, there were more that were openly disgusted with me. Maybe they thought it was their job to some how discipline me but their prideful ways made deep, deep scars on my life. They will never know how disappointed I was with myself. I knew the Lord forgave me, but somehow I just could not forgive myself.
The story continues, but I won't share the rest. It gets uglier before it gets better. I will say that there is a happy ending that includes a prince charming. The Lord brought me my knight in shining armor, my husband who has nurtured and cared for this broken girl over the years, showing me God's love and I am eternally grateful and hopelessly in love!
Trials are often brought on by our own sin, when we are repentant...that creates fertile ground for the Lord to make a wonderful garden out of it! And he WILL!! It is amazing what God has done for me! Whenever I hear of young ladies that end up pregnant before marriage,(and they happen to come from a church background) that old scar that I have re-opens and aches all over for them. I want to wrap my arms around them, love them, show them God's mercy. For people that don't come from a church background and that sort of thing happens they usually don't have as hard of a time. I feel church people are even more sympathetic and giving to a single young pregnant lady, who is a non-church goer-- because how could she even know about right and wrong? They view them as un-taught. Many don't feel that way when it happens to one of our own church goers. We become puffed up with pride. We feel like the parents didn't do a good job of raising them, and if only they would have been raised the way THEY would have raised them, then things of and around that nature simply would not happen. I want to say...WAKE UP Christians!! There is a certain point where the parents are not responsible for their children's mistakes! You simply can NOT be the holy spirit for them! They have to have their own relationship with God, we can not do that for our kids. When someone does something wrong, forgive them. You have no idea what might be going on inside of them! Do not further Satan's mission of wrapping someone (or yourself!!) in bondage by being unforgiving or prideful towards them. Don't you know that you could easily be the one to fall? If you did fall, wouldn't you want that same grace and mercy shown to you? We are not above falling into temptation, and neither are any of our children. Christians, let's LOVE one another, pray for each other, and show each other mercy. Let's not let Satan have a foot hold in our lives.
Now, at the beginning I stated that this story once defined me. Several years after this incident in my life, my husband (fiance at the time) was coaching volley ball at the school I graduated from. One of the volley ball players who was very aware of my past asked Todd if he actually knew who I was. Todd was quick and sure to defend me. (I told you, he is my knight in shining armor!) And it was put to a stop, the malicious intending gossip that was meant to label me. Of course, I hung my head in shame for a long while, thinking I deserved that definition...but God has never thought of me that way. He sees Himself when he looks down at me and always has, I am His princess. So, I share my story today so you don't end up defining someone by their mistake. For all you know, their soul is probably as tortured as mine was. Don't be hard and refuse to see them as Christ does. Forgive. Have mercy. Value them as Christ values them, he gave his son for them and for you. If someone is reading this and you have a story like mine. Allow God to mold you, accept his mercy, accept his love and grace, don't let Satan bind you in chains of guilt, value yourself...you are a child of the King! Forgive yourself.
God bless.
